he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
