she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
