i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
