Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The best revenge is premature balding
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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