remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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