Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
