My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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