Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
