Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
