If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
