In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
