Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize