I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
