I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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