Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
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