im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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