i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I intend to get homeless drunk
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
