i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
