your thong is hanging out like whoa
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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