had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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