i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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