i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
