I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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