I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
