Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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