my phone needs a breathalizer
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
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