Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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