I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
