My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
