chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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