either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
