So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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