I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
