she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
