also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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