gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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