Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
