When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
