I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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