I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
me + whiskey = a bad person
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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