last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
