Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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