I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
