If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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