i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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