Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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