That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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