i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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