Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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