I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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