That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
