i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
