Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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