Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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