I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
