just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize