Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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